No, this is not about a Stephen King novel. It's one of my fears! One of the things that I have found very difficult to deal with throughout this ordeal is the anticipation of the unknown. How will the chemo affect me? Will the chemo do it's job and get rid of the cancer in my body? Will this go on indefinitely? Will I, once again, look sick? You get the point. I guess the best thing is to deal with this "in the now". I also need to follow my mantra of "Carpe Diem". Yea, I know! Don't dwell on what could be, should be or would be. Easier said than done, right?
It looks like Wednesday is going to be my chemo start day. I am still waiting to hear about my lung tap surgery day. Hopefully soon. The coughing is quite uncomfortable.
Let me just say a huge thank you to all of you faithful blog readers, part time and occasional blog readers and those who sent emails and notes. You must understand how incredibly uplifting it is to feel the love and support from all of you. Obviously, not to exclude my family, this war is dedicated to you all.
Carpe Diem.
I think you've done a brilliant job expressing your very real fears. And you're right....it's all completely unknown. The only thing that's known is the unconditional love and support that you have from family and friends, and your willing to be open about your fears. A shared problem is half a problem.
ReplyDeleteAde you have shown remarkable honesty and strength through this ordeal. Reading your daily posts is always with some trepidation wondering what the future holds... but I always knew for sure your positive attitude and "Carpe Diem" attitude would jump from the page.
ReplyDeleteAdrian,
ReplyDeleteAfter trying to read the names of the "cocktails" you will be sampling I think we need to come up with some better names. Maybe put it out on the blog for a contest. Good luck with your upcoming treatments and remember that you have well wishes covered from at least 62 North.
Cheers, Pat
My Dear Adrian-
ReplyDeleteI so understand your struggle to deal with the unknown. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. You have been coping with an illness and treatment for quite some time. You've had your ups and downs. It's important to keep in mind that you've come a long way, despite the deep potholes and detours. You were able to get back on track after being on the rough road. Your docs have a game plan for you. They are working for you and with you, and they have the same goals you have.
I want to tell you a story. When I was a kid, I used to lie in bed at night and think about things that scared me. I knew that it wasn't a good idea to pursue my thoughts, but I did it anyway. Many, many times, I scared myself so much that I'd have to go into my parents' room and wake my mom, and tell her that I scared myself and "can't sleep." Her solution was always a big help to me: She would get a ball of yarn (how she had one right there I'll never know!), and give me the end of the yarn. I would unwind the yarn all the way to my room, and she would hold onto the ball in her bed. If I got too scared, I would pull the yarn, and she would call out to me in a reassuring way. I didn't always have to pull the yarn, but just knowing we were connected gave me comfort.
Ade, I know that you have lots of people literally far and wide, who are reaching out to connect with you and support you. No, we can't take the chemo for you and offer up our lungs for the tap, but, when you are there and in those moments, keep in mind all of us out here who are holding onto that ball of yarn that connects all the way to where you are. We are with you, Ade. We are thinking of you perhaps more than you know. We are here for you!
I'm going to take that piece of yarn with me to chemo and when I feel scared I'm going to yank on it (the yarn, that is). Be prepared for that tug! I know I will feel all the positive vibes.
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